


one thousand teeth

by miehczyslaw



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon - Manga, Canon Trans Character, Character Study, Fix-It of Sorts, Hurt/Comfort, I just want them to be happy, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Torture, Introspection, Light Angst, M/M, Manga Spoilers, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Prose Poem, Trans Male Character, Unbeta'd, but pre everythings else bc its shit, post rue island arc, wtf ishida mutsuki's past is so ugly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-06
Updated: 2017-11-06
Packaged: 2019-01-30 12:16:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12653355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miehczyslaw/pseuds/miehczyslaw
Summary: ...did you know that brushes can have patches?





	one thousand teeth

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Misari](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Misari/gifts).



**i.**

Pinhole heart that breaks in petals of Saturn.  
(look at that poor kid who cries blood, his tears come from his wounds—)

**ii.**

The truth of the matter is that.

Mutsuki is

 _green, green, green_. And his skin of tree wood is dirty. It does not matter that he takes a ten-hour bath or that he washes his mouth with soap and that he regrets— been born, he's still so dirty. Then.

Mutsuki is

 _red, red, red_. His skin of tree wood is being chopped. He breaks off with a deaf craaaaaaaac-k and he cannot help falling on his knees to the ground, unable to get up. Because.

Mutsuki is

g-r-o-t-e-s-q-u-e.

**iii.**

Everything is Papa's fault.

Papa who touches him in the wrong places. Papa who kisses him with his mouth open. Papa who drags him across the newly polished floor holding his blouse. Papa who screams at him— Papa who hits him. Papa who plunges his face into the tub full of water until his lungs plead for air. Papa who calls him ‘To-o-ru’ with disdain. Papa, Papa, Papa—

“Allow me to nail an ax in your head for a while, _please_?”

Everything is Mama's fault.

Mama who looks away. Mama who pretends nothing is wrong. Mama who does not ask Papa to stop, never. Mama who doesn’t hug him or swear him that everything will be fine ( _because you’re not a bad kid_ , Tooru, _not at all_ ). Mama who is selfish. Mama who doesn't protect him. Mama, Mama, Mama—

“I'm sorry... I've stained your favorite carpet with your blood... I'll clean it right away.”

Everything is Torso's fault.

Torso who looks at him with lust. Torso who amputates his legs and arms again and again— AND AGAIN. Torso who puts crowns of flowers on his head— but they stink. Torso who calls him "pretty, pretty, pretty— _girl_ ” (and that feels, just, so, wrong). Torso who gets angry when he does not pay attention and ends up hitting him. Torso who apologizes repeatedly for that. Torso and his hands that are everywhere. Torso who recites poetry to him. Torso, Torso, Torso—

“I want to gut you as if you were a kitten, and tear apart all your limbs to keep them in cute jars of colors, okay?”

Everything is Haise's fault.

Haise who left. (Haise who was never _there_ ).

Everything is Mutsuki's fault.

Mutsuki who was born with the wrong body. Mutsuki who looks good in dresses and skirts. Mutsuki who has never had anyone to care for him and.

“Don't leave me, don’t leave me, don’t leave…”

**iv.**

(I will not leave you).

“Urie-kun?”

**v.**

Pinhole heart that breaks in petals of Saturn.  
(look at that poor kid who cries blood, his tears come from his wounds—)

**vi.**

When he opens his neon eyes Urie is at his side. In fact, and to Mutsuki's bewilderment, Urie is _always_ at his side. It's like that since the raid, since Mutsuki hugged him with his kagune— as if there was nothing wrong with being fragile— and since he said to him...

“I'm a monster.”

Urie doesn't even blink.

They're in his room, Mutsuki's room, that’s it, and in the distance the sun is hidden already. Mutsuki suddenly feels nervous.

The walls are full covered with photographs (of Haise, of Shirazu, of Saiko, of Aura, even of the pretty waitress of :re, none of Urie, however— Mutsuki prefers to keep him in his left ventricle). Some have been shredded with ink pen, and others have been cut in an irregular and rough way.

Because there is _someone inside of him_ , someone very broken who wants to get out and hurt everybody—

“You're Mutsuki,” it's the only thing Urie says, after a while. Mutsuki's throat burns, because he has a volcano in his chest and hot lava runs through his veins.

 _‘How can you know? How dare you to suppose_ …?’

“I'm, uhm, I-I'm Mutsuki,” he admits. “But I'm a monster, too.”

“That's not—”

“Urie-kun. _Enough_. Just... stop it.”

He cannot stand it. Not now. Not ever. Not after spending a whole week on Rue Island, after remembering his past, after seeing his cocoa hands— _really seeing them_ — and finding them disgusting. It's hard to breathe and sometimes Mutsuki is very, very tired and only wants to take a long nap but.

(Looking at himself in a mirror is almost like dying in life, his green mint hair now bleached, almost white).

“I've done bad things,” he confess. Urie remains silent. “I've done bad things and now I've been thinking things that are...” Haise, sensei, mine, _mine_. Kaneki Ken, a ghost. Touka-san, who disappears? Wings whose bones were broken. “You should not be here.” He changes the subject, abruptly.

 _I don_ _'_ _t deserve it, I don_ _'_ _t deserve to be loved_.

“(Bullshit). No one is perfect,” Urie replies. And it's like— As if, maybe—

Urie frowns, and yet he does not look angry with Mutsuki, he thinks. Rather, with the course of his thoughts— deeply buried in a closet, with his new self so different from the old (the real one), with the circumstances that made him _like this_. But not with him, never with him.

His silence says: I hear you. His silence says: I will not judge you.

And that is...

**vii.**

“I murdered Torso,” he says, very softly.

Mutsuki is not sure of what he expects of Urie, but certainly not an expression of absolute calm.

“ _I know_.”

“It's... it's very possible that I cannibalized him too, my memory of that moment is blurred.”

 _‘And now you're going to repudiate me_.’

“I understand.”

 _‘Why don’t you repudiate me already?_ ’

Mutsuki clenches his fists in his lap.

“A... also... when I was a kid... I-I killed my parents.”

_‘Are you afraid of me? I don’t blame you, I also fear me sometimes.’_

Urie's expression remains the same.

“And I tortured innocent kittens at the academy, I opened their bowels! I regret that _so much_ , but that does not change anything, right? I m-mean, my regret is not going to revive them, nor my parents either. And—”

 _Why are you so deadpan? Why you don't run away from me?_ _Hate me, please_.

“And... _and_...” he feels his cheeks wet, and his whole body trembles. But he cannot help it. It hurts. It hurts in his ribs. It hurts on the leaves of the trees. It hurts in the desert sand. “And I'm horrible.”

 _Do you hate me do you hate me do you hate me do you hate me_ _—_ _?_

**viii.**

“No.” Urie's voice is firm, he does not hesitate, he believes it. “You're not horrible (neither a monster), you're Mutsuki.” He repeats. “(You will always be Mutsuki).”

No matter what happens.

And something. Something explodes like a bomb. Something is disarmed and reassembled. Something beats, fast, and stumbling.

 _Something_ —

Mutsuki doesn't realize when, but Urie has approached him, closing the gap. Their noses are brushing. Hands on hips, barely holding, afraid that he will be torn between his gloves.

—so soft, so considerate.

It would be easy for Mutsuki to stop him. Mutsuki knows that Urie knows he is capable of stopping him. If he wanted (but he doesn't). Because Urie is giving him the option to accept... _that_ , us. He does not force anything and leaves everything in his choice.

He's the first one who does not treat him as an object of his desire, but as a person— who sees him for who he really is, not a girl— never a girl. Not Tooru, but Mutsuki. Not broken, but damaged. And maybe nothing's all right, yet, but he’ll be okay. With Urie. With Saiko too. He realizes that, right here.

 _So_...

“It's okay. Loneliness is agonizing but (you are beautiful in your rotten roots and) I am with you.”

So for a second Papa, Mama and Torso don't exist. Only Urie-boy-of-coal.

His lips taste like watercolor. And Mutsuki is painted in _purple, purple, purple_.

**ix.**

Pinhole heart that breaks in petals of Saturn.  
(look at that poor kid who cries blood, his tears come from his wounds—)

He is not alone— he is not alone anymore.

**x.**

...did you know that brushes can have patches?


End file.
